Joke time







Hey, it's a weekend!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"
 






Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, his dad offered to take him out for a spin.

"I'll sit in the back, to celebrate that you don't need a licensed driver in front anymore!"

Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.

"Nope... I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."
 






The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.

... His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The
Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?
 






A lady was in the gym when she realized she desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. She finished her workout and noticed that everybody was staring at her….

Then she suddenly remembered that she was listening to her iPod.
 






Drug Dumper said:
A lady was in the gym when she realized she desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. She finished her workout and noticed that everybody was staring at her….

Then she suddenly remembered that she was listening to her iPod.
Click to expand...

Ha! I had a similar thing happen last week, only in reverse. My gf was in the APPL store on State Street in Santa Barbara. I was walking on State looking for a bar to meet her at for a glass of wine when she was done. Accidentally and suddenly, I let a loud one fly. Horrified, I turned my head and saw a lady walking right behind me so I ducked into the first store. Then, as she walked by, I saw she was listening to her iPOD.

Thank you Jesus for iPODS !!!
 






Rule of thumb Vag. The smellier the Fart you blast in public, increases the likelihood of a hot chick being there to smell it. This has happened to me many times.
 






A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hairstyled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
 












An Indiana farmer drove in his pickup to a neighbor's farm, and knocked on the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. The following conversation developed:
"Is your Dad home?"
"No, Sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, Sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, Sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
The young boy asked; "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 






Vagitarian said:
An Indiana farmer drove in his pickup to a neighbor's farm, and knocked on the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. The following conversation developed:
"Is your Dad home?"
"No, Sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, Sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, Sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
The young boy asked; "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Click to expand...

Great country humor. There are probably some city folk who would not understand this.
 


















A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
=
 






Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the
woman asked her husband.

No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse... and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"...she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out
a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said
 












Medical distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
 






I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about
drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with
the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over
the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with
friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the
limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab,
they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a
real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure
where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
 






Walking Eagle said:
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about
drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with
the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over
the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with
friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the
limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab,
they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a
real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure
where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
Click to expand...

Was this a check-lane? Those are a huge invasion of one's privacy. It's pulling you over, without probable cause, and being asked where you are going? If there is a Violent Criminal on the loose that they are trying to catch, that's one thing. There are so few liberties and they are disappearing every day.
 






libluvsbukkake said:
Was this a check-lane? Those are a huge invasion of one's privacy. It's pulling you over, without probable cause, and being asked where you are going? If there is a Violent Criminal on the loose that they are trying to catch, that's one thing. There are so few liberties and they are disappearing every day.
Click to expand...
It was a joke... And I drink very rarely and very little when I do.
 






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