Joke time

Walking Eagle said:
It was a joke... And I drink very rarely and very little when I do.
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Check lanes have existed in the past in many states. To me, they are the equivalent of the Nazis asking for your papers. I don't drink at all, but I am not letting cops search my car for no reason, even if I have nothing to hide. Tripped my alarm by accident about six months ago, and the cops came right away (which I was thankful for as a taxpayer). However when the cop asked to come in and look around, I said, "no, I'm good." The worst are the people who say "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about."
 






libluvsbukkake said:
Check lanes have existed in the past in many states. To me, they are the equivalent of the Nazis asking for your papers. I don't drink at all, but I am not letting cops search my car for no reason, even if I have nothing to hide. Tripped my alarm by accident about six months ago, and the cops came right away (which I was thankful for as a taxpayer). However when the cop asked to come in and look around, I said, "no, I'm good." The worst are the people who say "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about."
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My SIL who is an attorney says if you are stopped in one, no matter how much you had to drink, when asked, say, "I haven't had a drink today."

Then they have no probable cause to do anything and if they do, you can have the charge thrown out on that basis,
 


















Estate Planning

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
 






libluvsbukkake said:
Check lanes have existed in the past in many states. To me, they are the equivalent of the Nazis asking for your papers. I don't drink at all, but I am not letting cops search my car for no reason, even if I have nothing to hide. Tripped my alarm by accident about six months ago, and the cops came right away (which I was thankful for as a taxpayer). However when the cop asked to come in and look around, I said, "no, I'm good." The worst are the people who say "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about."
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Bingo
 


















Life explained in one sentence:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."
 


















Walking Eagle said:
Summer is almost over. Camping will soon be gone. Soooo:

Have you ever had sex while camping? It is fucking In Tents.
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Did in a pup tent, on the beach in broad daylight with the ex, back when she was cool. Was pretty fucking intense as I recall. Being a great Lover (when she wanted to be), was about all that she had going for her.
 






One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.


Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.


"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"


"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.


They all piled into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”


The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass must be a foot high."
 






Walking Eagle said:
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.


Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.


"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"


"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.


They all piled into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”


The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass must be a foot high."
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ROFLMFAO - my son in law is an attorney and this one is on his way to him........
 






I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you're my kid."
 






A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?"

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and
gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
 






Vagitarian said:
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?"

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and
gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Click to expand...
Good one.
 






A policeman stopped a guy for driving erratically. He peered intently into the driver's eyes and said, "Your eyes look bloodshot, have your been drinking?"
The guy peers into the policeman's eyes and says, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
 






A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
 






On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit an ageing friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
 






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