Joke time













An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?..."
" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book...............
 






Be honest with your children when confronted with tough issues.....

7 year old girl to mom...

"I found out where babies come from"

Mom: "oh?"

Girl. "You put the guy's thingy in your mouth and after awhile, some stuff comes out of it and ends up in your tummy making the baby."

Mom: "Sorry honey, that's where jewelry comes from."
 






An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 






Night Train Lane said:
Be honest with your children when confronted with tough issues.....

7 year old girl to mom...

"I found out where babies come from"

Mom: "oh?"

Girl. "You put the guy's thingy in your mouth and after awhile, some stuff comes out of it and ends up in your tummy making the baby."

Mom: "Sorry honey, that's where jewelry comes from."
Click to expand...


One of my all time favorites.
 






Little girs and a group of friends are playing in the back yard and she come running in the house and asker mom: "Mommy, and I old enough to have a baby?"
Certainly not her mom replies.
The girls hits the back door at a run yelling to the other kids: "Okay, boys, same game again!"


*********************************************************************

Little girl comes in crying telling her mom that the little boy is teasing her because he has a penis and she doesn't. Her mom calms her down and tells her: "Sweetie, you just tell him that with what you have you can get all the penises you want."
 












A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the... little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!":)
 






Walking Eagle said:
A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the... little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!":)
Click to expand...

Heard that one awhile back but forgot it - frigging funny !!!
 






Three SEC fans were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. The first one, a Alabama fan was placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and the Alabama fan jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

The second person, a Florida fan was placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and the Florida fan pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given the fan yelled out "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and the Florida fan slipped over the wall.

The last person, a UT fan, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled.
As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled . . . . . . "Fire!"
 






Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his... first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
 






This is for all my grammatically correct friends...

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man,
and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned...
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked...
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded.
"But, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked. So he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3."
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked...
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, my friends, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition,
because we could end up with a dangling participle....!!!
 






My uncle moved into a retirement center and was bragging about his sex life. I asked him "Uncle Jack, just what does 70 year old nookie taste like?"

His response: "depends"
 
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

HAppy Valentines Day!
 












After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes on the train. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public any longer.
 






Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this )


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?



He asked for help and she could see why.


Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.


By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.


She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.


Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.


He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'


She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.


No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'


Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.


Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'


He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'


She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
 






Walking Eagle said:
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this )


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?



He asked for help and she could see why.


Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.


By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.


She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.


Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.


He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'


She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.


No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'


Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.


Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'


He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'


She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
Click to expand...

Hysterical...
 






Irish Priest transferred to Texas

He rose from his bed in the morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
 






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