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Scarlett

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I've often noticed while being out at a restaurant that couples especially ones in their 40s plus... tend to sit across from one another, look at their food and just eat without talking. If they do utter any words, 2 - 3 sentences sum up the conversation. One person will look out the window and the other look around the restaurant. We see this in a car, out in public etc.

This is not to say that couples have to talk constantly to one another, but if 2 people go out to relax and get away from it all, it's sad that they don't take the time and enjoy what could be great communication or a nice conversation.
 






Exactly, when nothing is said, I always ask, "How was your day?"
It's possible something that happened is on the other person's mind and this gives them permission (if they need it) to open up. However, if they say, Fine," and shut up, then something is wrong with either the setting, the timing or the relationship. When things are clicking, the conversation turns me on.........

Conversation leads people in many directions...... including the bedroom.
 
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Sometimes when you've been together long enough, there just is not that much to talk about. Asking questions does no good because you know exactly what the other person will answer. Since you live together, there is nothing new that either of you don't already know. If you have no money to travel or plan for home stuff, you cannot discuss home-type dreams or vacation plans (we used to talk about this kind of stuff all night long). If you have no children together . . . well, not much to talk about there either.

So, I believe you have hit why there are problems in my current relationship. While everyday I ask Mr. Gams "how was your day", he has never asked me about mine. If I let him talk for an hour about his work, he won't listen to five minutes of mine. In fact, at least once a week, he gets up and walks away from me. BTW, he really thinks drug sales is a stupid job and always asks me when I'm getting a real one. I find that sadly humorous since I pay most of the bills. (Hmmmm - interesting topic, Scarlett.)

Perhaps the art of listening and conversation IS what keeps marriage alive. I bet that this little group right here can attest to that. When conversation goes, the rest is all downhill from there.

I think I have something new to talk about where the Mr. won't have an answer.
 






GorgeousGAMS said:
Sometimes when you've been together long enough, there just is not that much to talk about. Asking questions does no good because you know exactly what the other person will answer. Since you live together, there is nothing new that either of you don't already know. If you have no money to travel or plan for home stuff, you cannot discuss home-type dreams or vacation plans (we used to talk about this kind of stuff all night long). If you have no children together . . . well, not much to talk about there either.

So, I believe you have hit why there are problems in my current relationship. While everyday I ask Mr. Gams "how was your day", he has never asked me about mine. If I let him talk for an hour about his work, he won't listen to five minutes of mine. In fact, at least once a week, he gets up and walks away from me. BTW, he really thinks drug sales is a stupid job and always asks me when I'm getting a real one. I find that sadly humorous since I pay most of the bills. (Hmmmm - interesting topic, Scarlett.)

Perhaps the art of listening and conversation IS what keeps marriage alive. I bet that this little group right here can attest to that. When conversation goes, the rest is all downhill from there.

I think I have something new to talk about where the Mr. won't have an answer.
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Tell us again what it is that YOU get out of this relationship?
 












Walking Eagle said:
Tell us again what it is that YOU get out of this relationship?
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Laundry done, oil changed, lawn mowed, house cleaned, cats played with and loved, 1/3 of the bills paid, help with any and all technical/mechanical problems, quiet company at dinner, help to move my boat, someone to go for a walk. . . (I'm gone 55 hours a week and in school for 20/25 - not a lot of time in between for much at all.) I was never a very high maintenance person and neither is he. It is possible we have simply gone off in different directions with not much in common anymore.

But Scarlett makes a very good point. There needs to be some kind of intellectual stimulation or the relationship just falls flat. Can you say pancake? Although, I'm told that intellectually I can be an exhausting individual, asking too many strange philosophical and metaphysical questions. But a lack of stimulating conversation is something that can be fixed (maybe).
 
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GorgeousGAMS said:
Ah, they were high! LOL
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Even better. If you find someone that likes to get high with you and doesn't mind if you don't converse with them, that's when you know that you've truly found someone special. My Asian honey is the best for this. She loves to smoke, she loves to fuck, and she speaks substandard English. That means more quiet time, more eye contact, and more kissing. I will take that trade-off.
 






GorgeousGAMS said:
Laundry done, oil changed, lawn mowed, house cleaned, cats played with and loved, 1/3 of the bills paid, help with any and all technical/mechanical problems, quiet company at dinner, help to move my boat, someone to go for a walk. . . (I'm gone 55 hours a week and in school for 20/25 - not a lot of time in between for much at all.) I was never a very high maintenance person and neither is he. It is possible we have simply gone off in different directions with not much in common anymore.

But Scarlett makes a very good point. There needs to be some kind of intellectual stimulation or the relationship just falls flat. Can you say pancake? Although, I'm told that intellectually I can be an exhausting individual, asking too many strange philosophical and metaphysical questions. But a lack of stimulating conversation is something that can be fixed (maybe).
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She is right. What you are getting , you could pay someone to do. People also need intellectual and emotional stimulation, comfort, and interaction. The women I have know who did not get these things from their hjusband found them in a male friend. The problem was, that this connection evemtually led to a sexual relationship as well and led to the ruination of the marriage. With your open relationship, this might not lead the same direction, but be cautious if you want to keep the rest of your existing relation as is.
 












I posted based on observation but also because communication or conversation that is reciprocal, stimulating and interesting is KEY to any relationship.

I'm not talking about looking at someone across the table and thinking lustful things. There's a time for that. In some cases, after some time - communication is just NOT there between 2 people. It becomes freaking boring or they take daily occurances or thoughts for granted. I had a relationship with an ex BF that was the pinnacle of intensity when it came to communication. We could talk for hours each time. Loved it.

A few people have mentioned this very topic to me, and for me communication binds a relationship.
 






The only people I have ever really hit it off with are my gay male friends.

Years ago, I had to take a pscyhological/sociology exam on traits. I tested out as a man. (Strange, I know.) I am not gay but I will say that with my gay men friends, we talk for hours and hours. It is exhilarating and exciting but they are GAY. Like I said in some other posts, damaged people are not normal. We do not fit any mold and often have trouble fitting in. I doubt few men would "get" me like Mr. Gams. And, fewer women would "get" him. I just hope we can make it work for a long, long time. . . but I would really like to look across a table with lust again. That would be nice.
 
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Scarlett said:
I posted based on observation but also because communication or conversation that is reciprocal, stimulating and interesting is KEY to any relationship.

I'm not talking about looking at someone across the table and thinking lustful things. There's a time for that. In some cases, after some time - communication is just NOT there between 2 people. It becomes freaking boring or they take daily occurances or thoughts for granted. I had a relationship with an ex BF that was the pinnacle of intensity when it came to communication. We could talk for hours each time. Loved it.

A few people have mentioned this very topic to me, and for me communication binds a relationship.
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Two lost arts - Great conversation and foreplay.

I like alot of both.
 






Vagitarian said:
While I certainly can't speak for Scarlett, my 'guess' is she was talking about when 2 people are disengaged mentally. There are many ways to say something to someone, not all of them verbal. And then there are those who are checked out, looking out the window and otherwise uninvolved.

Sometimes 2 people just looking at each other is hot. But that's not what she's talking about I'll bet.

That was a great clip, here's another one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsjZWlRVvo
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OK, I get it, kind of like my wife and I.
 






GorgeousGAMS said:
The only people I have ever really hit it off with are my gay male friends.

Years ago, I had to take a pscyhological/sociology exam on traits. I tested out as a man. (Strange, I know.) I am not gay but I will say that with my gay men friends, we talk for hours and hours. It is exhilarating and exciting but they are GAY. Like I said in some other posts, damaged people are not normal. We do not fit any mold and often have trouble fitting in. I doubt few men would "get" me like Mr. Gams. And, fewer women would "get" him. I just hope we can make it work for a long, long time. . . but I would really like to look across a table with lust again. That would be nice.
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You are a walking contradiction. I mean that in a good way. I will be praying for you this year.
 






Breakingnews said:
Two lost arts - Great conversation and foreplay.

I like alot of both.
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Well said. Both are a waning art as years go on in some cases. If couples had the ability to sustain the same intensity, wonder, excitement, and maybe even appreciation of the other in later years - the lack of communication wouldn't happen.

This is unrealistic as a relationship progresses because the newness simmers, and couples get caught up in daily and mundane tasks....

As far as foreplay, nothing greater that slowing and sustaining this until 2 people are ready to take it to the next level...
 






Scarlett said:
Well said. Both are a waning art as years go on in some cases. If couples had the ability to sustain the same intensity, wonder, excitement, and maybe even appreciation of the other in later years - the lack of communication wouldn't happen.

This is unrealistic as a relationship progresses because the newness simmers, and couples get caught up in daily and mundane tasks....

As far as foreplay, nothing greater that slowing and sustaining this until 2 people are ready to take it to the next level...
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Couldn't have said it better myself.
 






Scarlett said:
Well said. Both are a waning art as years go on in some cases. If couples had the ability to sustain the same intensity, wonder, excitement, and maybe even appreciation of the other in later years - the lack of communication wouldn't happen.

This is unrealistic as a relationship progresses because the newness simmers, and couples get caught up in daily and mundane tasks....

As far as foreplay, nothing greater that slowing and sustaining this until 2 people are ready to take it to the next level...
Click to expand...

Couldn't have said it any better myself.
 






I Love America said:
You are a walking contradiction. I mean that in a good way. I will be praying for you this year.
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One: In what way? I will cop to being totally unique but what?

Two: Pray for what? That I burn in hell, that I find Mr. Right (thought I did), that I find a great affair-mate (that would be cool)? If you want to pray, just pray that I finish grad school healthy. That alone would offer my life some stability, which it has not had in a long time.
 






GorgeousGAMS said:
One: In what way? I will cop to being totally unique but what?

Two: Pray for what? That I burn in hell, that I find Mr. Right (thought I did), that I find a great affair-mate (that would be cool)? If you want to pray, just pray that I finish grad school healthy. That alone would offer my life some stability, which it has not had in a long time.
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People get married for different reasons. Don't let anyone here sway you - you know what you need and want better than anyone else here.
 






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