Topping tonight's Lie Witless News, the Billionaire Hackler family sacked hundreds of sales people today in a desperation move to avoid paying out millions in lawsuits related to the demon drug OxyContin. You'll recall that's the drug that takes hold of poor innocent people like Opie Taylor and makes them pathetic heroin/fentanyl addicts overnight.
Deputy Blarny Fife said, "Yup me an Anj put those dealers out of business and got that Oxy off the streets of Painberry. Sure we got ourselves a rip roarin' heroin problem but we got that Purdue all right. Anj would be here but Aunt B can't get out of bed since her lumbago operation. She's in constant pain, the poor thing, but ever since Goober got busted for those Oxy 80s and that pill crusher, Aunt B swore off all pain meds cept Dandelion wine, which is safe don't cha know."
The State Attny General, appointed "drug czar" last year, was unavailable for comment as he was led away Monday to face charges of sexual harrasment for unmentioned unmentionables brought on by 35 former female employees.
Meanwhile, as one problem is solved, another rears its ugly face as our man on the street Harry Byers reports.
"That's right, Mary Jane, the price of Narcant, the miracle drug that saves the innocents from the evil OC, has gone higher than Cheech & Chong on a Saturday Night bender in Kandahar. Word has it that the makers of Narcant are the Hackme Corp. a secret Shadow Corp owned by the Hacklers themselves. I have nothing to substantiate that MaryJane, but I think it might be true. Back to you MJ
As for the sales force, the men and women on the street who defended the product, who stressed appropriate use, - the virtual life blood of the company,-, the best of the best, well, they,'re on their own. Stay tuned as Harry will have a 5 part story uncovering the evil tactics that Purdue reps used to entice doctors to order their poison. We will have former reps who never finished in the top 50% of the sales force and have at least 1 yr experience tell their story.
"We've pixelated the faces and computerized the voices to protect the identities."
"They told us to push the 80's and drive shitty vibes. You would turn rat too if you had to endure this torture. I mean, my manager actually expected me to sell something. I mean, I'll get donuts and coffee but sell? Please... By the way, do you know when our packages will be ready?"
We'll have all that and more starting tomorrow night.
In other news, apparently Aunt B, beloved Aunt of Sheriff Anj Taylor, has passed away from complications from her Lumbago surgery.. Investigators hope to determine what Aunt B meant as she screamed " I can't take the pain anymore " as she slipped off her roof and plunged 75 ft to her death.
Deputy Blarney Fyfe told our Harry Byers that he tried to revive her with the Narcant to no avail. Deputy Fyfe believes that the Narcant was watered down by the Hacklers in a desperate arrempt to make more money.
Coming up, Doctors are complaining that the antibiotic shortage has reached crisis levels. Somehow the Hacklers are responsible.
Deputy Blarny Fife said, "Yup me an Anj put those dealers out of business and got that Oxy off the streets of Painberry. Sure we got ourselves a rip roarin' heroin problem but we got that Purdue all right. Anj would be here but Aunt B can't get out of bed since her lumbago operation. She's in constant pain, the poor thing, but ever since Goober got busted for those Oxy 80s and that pill crusher, Aunt B swore off all pain meds cept Dandelion wine, which is safe don't cha know."
The State Attny General, appointed "drug czar" last year, was unavailable for comment as he was led away Monday to face charges of sexual harrasment for unmentioned unmentionables brought on by 35 former female employees.
Meanwhile, as one problem is solved, another rears its ugly face as our man on the street Harry Byers reports.
"That's right, Mary Jane, the price of Narcant, the miracle drug that saves the innocents from the evil OC, has gone higher than Cheech & Chong on a Saturday Night bender in Kandahar. Word has it that the makers of Narcant are the Hackme Corp. a secret Shadow Corp owned by the Hacklers themselves. I have nothing to substantiate that MaryJane, but I think it might be true. Back to you MJ
As for the sales force, the men and women on the street who defended the product, who stressed appropriate use, - the virtual life blood of the company,-, the best of the best, well, they,'re on their own. Stay tuned as Harry will have a 5 part story uncovering the evil tactics that Purdue reps used to entice doctors to order their poison. We will have former reps who never finished in the top 50% of the sales force and have at least 1 yr experience tell their story.
"We've pixelated the faces and computerized the voices to protect the identities."
"They told us to push the 80's and drive shitty vibes. You would turn rat too if you had to endure this torture. I mean, my manager actually expected me to sell something. I mean, I'll get donuts and coffee but sell? Please... By the way, do you know when our packages will be ready?"
We'll have all that and more starting tomorrow night.
In other news, apparently Aunt B, beloved Aunt of Sheriff Anj Taylor, has passed away from complications from her Lumbago surgery.. Investigators hope to determine what Aunt B meant as she screamed " I can't take the pain anymore " as she slipped off her roof and plunged 75 ft to her death.
Deputy Blarney Fyfe told our Harry Byers that he tried to revive her with the Narcant to no avail. Deputy Fyfe believes that the Narcant was watered down by the Hacklers in a desperate arrempt to make more money.
Coming up, Doctors are complaining that the antibiotic shortage has reached crisis levels. Somehow the Hacklers are responsible.