Article from the Charlotte Observer:
“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Thomas Lee told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Charlotte Hospital. Lee, and
his homosexual partner Jeff "Kiki" Robinson, had been admitted for
emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I
pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Carlson, our gerbil, in," he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Donor Reaction”, my cue that he'd
had enough. I tried to retrieve Carlson but she wouldn't come out again, so
I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might
attract her." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described
what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a
flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Lee’s hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball." Lee suffered second degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Robinson suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Carlson
Landed in a pile of falsified training documentation and is just as ugly as ever.
>>> TOP TEN SCAREST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun – or willingly give myself an injection of Octagam.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem, and named after a r*****) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky &
Bullwinkle. ..well, Carlson does look like Rocky the flying squirrel.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums. ..Stop buying all that Mexican food with the corporate card.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into my plasma center and sodomizing me with cavacide and hot forceps before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this ugly gerbil named
Carlson, and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does
one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face
of God's green earth. Right behind Charlotte plasma donors and Scott Ramsey. –Speaking of which, don’t get a match anywhere near that fat liars ass – a whole ‘nother person might come flying out. – keep on eating big boy… the big ones coming.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Louisiana Creole word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this? Well, It is Charlotte..
1) These are the idiots pretending to run a plasma company. ..knock, knock …here comes the FDA.
“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Thomas Lee told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Charlotte Hospital. Lee, and
his homosexual partner Jeff "Kiki" Robinson, had been admitted for
emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I
pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Carlson, our gerbil, in," he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Donor Reaction”, my cue that he'd
had enough. I tried to retrieve Carlson but she wouldn't come out again, so
I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might
attract her." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described
what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a
flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Lee’s hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball." Lee suffered second degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Robinson suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Carlson
Landed in a pile of falsified training documentation and is just as ugly as ever.
>>> TOP TEN SCAREST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun – or willingly give myself an injection of Octagam.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem, and named after a r*****) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky &
Bullwinkle. ..well, Carlson does look like Rocky the flying squirrel.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums. ..Stop buying all that Mexican food with the corporate card.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into my plasma center and sodomizing me with cavacide and hot forceps before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this ugly gerbil named
Carlson, and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does
one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face
of God's green earth. Right behind Charlotte plasma donors and Scott Ramsey. –Speaking of which, don’t get a match anywhere near that fat liars ass – a whole ‘nother person might come flying out. – keep on eating big boy… the big ones coming.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Louisiana Creole word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this? Well, It is Charlotte..
1) These are the idiots pretending to run a plasma company. ..knock, knock …here comes the FDA.