In a dark wood

[Paradise Lost]

I used to be a pharma rep. I did pretty well. I was making about 120k per year with a company car and benefits. I wasn't getting rich by any means and with one in college and one getting ready to be in college things were going to be tight for a while. I wanted to figure out a way to make more money. I didn't know how good I had it.

Now I'm what is called a “client consultant” for a rent-to-own company. Now there are lots of companies in the rent-to-own space. Some are perfectly legit and some are a bit shady.
The company I work for is one of the shady ones. Basically we buy dogshit houses from Fannie Mae and set up wanna-be home owners in rent-to-own leases.

Now when I say dogshit I mean usually they are dogshit like you probably have never seen. They are buying the houses for less than 30k usually and sometimes for less than 10k. You may have driven by some houses like these but you probably haven't been inside any. That is if you are lucky.

I am not so lucky. Though my title is client consultant, I do a little of everything. One of those things is to scout the houses before purchase. When I first started I thought that meant going over the house from top to bottom like any house you might purchase. That was when I first started carrying a gun.

I know a number of drug reps who keep guns in their cars. They may have good reasons for doing so, but I never did that as a rep. I did keep one in my house though.

This may sound crazy, but I actually keep three guns in the car that I use depending on the situation. While my employer does not have any official policy on guns, my boss and my fellow consultants would think I was an idiot if I didn't have at least one gun with me while performing my many duties.

The guns I use are, a ultralight .380, a 38 special, and a .40 caliber Glock. I drop the .380 in my pocket when I'm showing potential clients a house. It is very small and essentially “disappears” in my pocket.

I would rather have the .40 on me but its kind of hard to hide and I don't want to scare the clients. That is if the neighborhood alone doesn't scare them.

I take the .40 with me when I first go into the house by myself. You never know what you might find in one of our fine homes. I've seen snakes, dogs, cats and rats personally. Others have seen vagrants and drug addicts. I haven't run into those yet. That is I haven't seen any inside one of our houses. I see plenty in the neighborhoods.

The .38 is kind of an in-between gun. If I'm in an especially rough neighborhood and I have clients with me I will put the .38 in a small of back holster. It is fast and reliable and has a good bit of knockdown power.

Don't think I haven't reflected on how nuts it is that I have a non-law-enforcement related job where I have a very real need to carry a gun on a regular basis. But it is what it is. I hope to find something different soon, but we are in survival mode now. Surviving means making ends meet and ideally not getting killed while doing so. More on that later.

 

[Paradise Lost]

How did I get here?


I remember reading a great line in a book a long time ago. It was something like, “he felt like he had walked out of a rainforest and into a desert. Nothing but sand stretched to the horizon in all directions.”

That pretty much describes how I feel. I don't see any oasis or trees in the distance, so I just keep walking hoping to get somewhere else.

I was a pretty good rep. Not the very best, but I worked hard, knew the products well, built relationships with my Drs, always made bonus, etc. But I did fuck up. I may have wound up here even without the fuck-up, but you could say that was definitely the turning point.

I was fired for cheating on a test. But its more complicated than that. I wasn't really the one cheating.

Here is the situation. We had to take an online test on a new product. Reps, managers, everyone in the field had to take the test. I am pretty diligent with product knowledge so I wasn't very concerned. Some other reps and our manager were worried about passing the first time.

So our manager, who was tight with several of us, suggested that we get together at a hotel and help each other take the test. Now I can honestly say that I answered all of the questions on my own. But I was known for having good product knowledge and everyone asked me for some help – at least to confirm what they thought was the right answer. We all passed.

A couple of weeks later we were notified that we were being investigated for cheating. There were phone calls with people from the home office, legal and HR got involved and within a week or two we were all fired.

We never found out how it was discovered. Did someone report us in the district, did they see we all used the same IP. We never knew.

Of course it wasn't right. I realize that by helping others that was cheating too. I admit it was wrong. I'm not saying I was treated unfairly. But it was something that had been common in the past. And how would you respond if your manager asked you to get together with your friends in the district and help each other out. As we all know you don't want to get on your manager's bad side and you want to help your friends. It didn't seem that bad of a thing.

Here is another thing. The company was looking for ways to get rid of people. We know this because there was a layoff about three months after we were fired. A good friend of mine in the district who was an incredible rep even got laid off. I would most likely have been gone then anyway. But it would have been different.

At first they were only going to give us two weeks. No other severance, no benefits, nothing. Can you believe that?

I hired an attorney. It was a big gamble, since it wound up costing me about $1,000. But it paid off. I am not supposed to say how much but it was dramatically more money and I got benefits for six months. I am not sure what the others did, but most were skeptical about hiring a lawyer. The benefits have long since run out and so has the severance.

In some ways, however, I'm lucky. Even though I make less than half of what I used to make with no company car and no benefits (I am a consultant). I haven't talked to him in a while but I hear that my former manager still doesn't have a job.

So that is the short version of how I became a modern day gunslinger and purveyor of dogshit homes at the age of 52. Did I mention that I literally practice my quick draw sometimes now. I don't think I'm being ridiculous doing so. I mean my life could depend on it.

 

[Paradise Lost]

My dilemma

I'm showing one of our beautiful homes today and I have a bit of a dilemma. I need to put someone in a house. I am about 20% behind my partner in closing houses. Not only does that look bad of course, but I need the commission.

But there is a problem with this house. There is a problem with all of our houses but this one isn't necessarily the kind most people would think to check. This property has several property code violations that amount to almost $5,000 in fines. There may be other problems with the house that no one knows about since like most of our homes, the power and water is shut off to the house.

It is unlikely that the couple I am showing the home to have $5000 to pay the fines. So what happens if they don't have the money once the city hits them for it. If they don't pay it they have to move out and leave behind whatever equity they think they have in the house (implied equity we call it – not real equity) and leave any security deposits, etc.

First they are going to be irate. They are going to say we tricked them and they are going to say we own the house and we should pay the fines. However the contract they sign is going to say different. They probably aren't going to have the money to fight us in court and ultimately we will evict them if they don't pay the fines or move.

The fines would probably be discovered before purchase if the buyer was getting a conventional mortgage. But they're not. If we were renting the house as landlords we would owe the fines, but we're not. We exist in this, very beneficial to us, gray area.

So far I just can't bring myself to keep this information to myself. That is at least part of reason I am behind my partner in closing deals.

Now my partner, Renaldo, has no such qualms. When I bring it up with him, he just laughs.

“Are they adults”, he asks? “Are you forcing them to buy the house”? “You aren't their father, are you”?

In spite of how he may sound to you, you would probably like him. He is about thirty, half Italian and half Puerto Rican. He's a good looking jovial guy and almost impossible to get mad with. He thinks this is the best job he as ever had.

There is one house with similar fines that he has closed three times so far. He says he loves this house because we make 30% commission on the first month's lease payment. So each time he sells the house it's like getting a bonus.

I know he sounds shady as hell, but it's almost impossible not to like him. He is this upbeat energetic guy that is always happy. In addition to having a beautiful girlfriend, he sleeps with all kinds of women on the side. He tells me stories of these affairs in vivid detail. It doesn't even seem like he's bragging when he tells them. Its more like he just can't conceal the joy.

“Renaldo” I say. “ You have a stunning girlfriend, and she is a cool chick. Why do you risk it”?

He just laughs. “ I just can't help myself”.

So anyway that is my dilemma. Do I tell the potential buyers about the fines or just keep my mouth shut. As Renaldo would say they are adults after all. And believe me, I could use the fucking money.

 

[Paradise Lost]

The right thing

I did do the right thing – I think it was the right thing – and told the couple about the fine on the house. They are a young African American couple that are just trying to get started in life on the right foot. Own a home, start a family etc. He works at a local paint store and paints houses on the side. She is a receptionist at an industrial supply business.


You should have seen the look that passed between them when I told them. It was a look that said, “can you believe this bullshit?”


“So wait a minute”, the husband said, “Are you saying we would owe another $5,000 in fines if we go through with this?”


“Yes the eventual owner will be responsible for the fines”


“Well you own it now”, the wife said. “Why don't you have to pay the fines.”


That is actually a good question. We just don't pay them. It is our position that the future owners (we have a number of terms we use: future owners, eventual owners, presumed owners, etc – none have any legal meaning) pay the fines.


“As you know the price on the house is very reasonable and we make this unique financing available to help people get in a house. Of course we have to make some money as well ...”


The husband looked at his wife while I was giving the explanation. She just shook her head, like she wanted to say, “lets get the fuck out of here”.


They were quiet when I finished, then the husband said, “Let us think about it. We'll get back at you”.


I didn't even tell my wife about the potential sale. I knew what was going to happen. No reason to get her hopes up. She would understand and she wouldn't want me to do anything that would hurt others. Still we need the commission the sale would have brought. We need it badly.


Of course we already skirt the law a little. Actually we outright break it, but it doesn't seem like a terrible infraction.


My wife runs a daycare our of our house. We are now keeping two more kids than state regulations allow. We keep them off the books because an audit by the state agency would turn up the violation. That also means we are paid in cash and taxes are not collected. More money for us, but more risk also.


We are helping out two families that couldn't find other places for their kids. It was supposed to be temporary, but it's been three months so far. We need the money but I don't know what would happen if we go shut down. I'm not sure where the money would come from for the inevitable fines. We hope for the best.


My wife also makes a little money sometimes from her paintings. She is not too bad. She is a lot better than the average person who might pick up a paintbrush, but she is not really that great. There is always something a little off with her work. For example a vase holding flowers will have a kind of unnatural tilt. I try to tell myself that it is just an artistic choice, but it looks off. It does not really work the way that a good artist would make it work.


Anyway, she recently got hired to paint a portrait of a couple of kids. They are kids she keeps. $600 for the painting. We can certainly put it to use.


She is showing it to the family tonight. I am going to try to not be there for the unveiling. I mean, like all of her work it is not too bad. Something about the way she painted the kids' eyes make them look a little spacey, but she definitely captured a likeness. The main problem is with one of the kids' hands.


She is not too good with hands and this kid's left hand is folded right out in front. It looks a little like a chimpanzee hand. Not exactly, but that is what I think every time I see it. I haven't said anything to her about it. I know it would hurt her feelings. So I am hoping somehow it won't look too bad to the family. Either way, with any luck the unveiling will happen when I am not there.

 

[Paradise Lost]

While I hadn't told my wife about the potential sale, my boss was another story. Of course he knew a possible close was in the works. On the way home I was debating whether to call him or wait until Monday to break the bad news when he called me.


Might as well get it over with, “Hey Doug”, I said in as even a voice as I could manage. He just said, “Talk to me. Tell me some good news”.


“I wish I had some to tell you. They want to think about it for a while, but it doesn't sound good.”


“Shit”. He didn't say it in an ugly way towards me. He was just disappointed. If I'm not making money he isn't either. “I thought they were ready to sign,” he said.


“Me too. I'm not sure what the issue is. I think the wife's job might be a little shaky.” I 'm lying of course. I know better than to mention that I told them about the fines. He would be angry about that. He might even call me a dumbfuck.


“Well fuck”, he said. “We got to get your closes up man”. He says in a good natured way, but I know he also means it. He loved me when I first started working for him. A friend, his boss, got me the job. My friend had told him what an incredible salesman I was in the pharmaceutical industry.


He overstated that. I was pretty good, but not one of the best.


My first few weeks on the job seemed to confirm to my boss that I was a true go-getter. I told you how I used to inspect houses from top to bottom when I started here. By that I mean I literally went up on the roof and went into the crawl spaces under the houses. I thought that was what I was supposed to do.


After one of these inspections I told my boss about encountering a snake under a house (talk about being scared shitless).


“You were under the fucking house”? Renaldo was there and my boss looked at him to say, “can you believe this guy”. He was joking about my rigor, but I could tell he liked it. It looked like I was a hard worker. “No man you just need to make sure there still standing, that no one is living in them, things like that”, he said.


I am a hard worker actually. But I'm falling behind Renaldo. I can't put my heart into selling this crap. As a rep I truly believed in our products. Not like some of the best reps who think their product is the only one worth using and should always be used first. I was reasonable. There were subsets of patients who were great candidates for my drugs. I could sell the Dr on using our drugs for those patients.


I'm not sure who is a great candidate for many of our houses – people living in caves, living on the street? Who needs a dogshit house with several thousand dollars in un-disclosed fines?


When I got home, I kind of prepared myself for dealing with potential fallout from the painting. Had they mentioned the chimpanzee hand? Did they refuse the painting outright? It could be pretty bad.

I felt dog-tired and beat down, but I gathered myself to be supportive.


Maybe it was a small miracle, but she said the couple loved the painting and left a check for $600. It isn't much, but I can't tell you how our moods lifted. If only for a little while things seemed better.


We probably shouldn't have but we even went out for dinner. $35 for the two of us at a local hole-in-the-wall. For a night at least we felt semi-normal.

 

[anonymous]

go write a book dude